GIVING UP CAN BE GOOD
We’re often taught as children that we should never give up; that quitting is synonymous with weakness. This is reinforced throughout our lives by family, school and wider society, where hardiness and resilience are both expected and celebrated, and people are quick to dismiss those that give up as losers. This often leads us to make a direct correlation between our personal values and character and the anti-quitter narrative we’re used to – that if we quit something it brings into question our identity as a driven and hard-working person.
What should be a situational decision can therefore develop into an existential question of ‘who am I?’ which makes it very difficult for us to separate ourselves and the specific circumstances.
A level of resilience is, of course, required to survive in life. If we gave up whenever we were tired, bored, angry, upset or found something difficult, we wouldn’t get very far. But there is a big difference between sticking with something that’s worth the time, effort and energy, and sticking with something that actually no longer serves a purpose for us or is no longer meaningful. Clearly, we have to do activities we don’t necessarily find meaningful every day, but when you’re reviewing your personal goals, there can be situations where giving up can greatly benefit your emotional, physical and mental wellbeing.
For example, a common goal for many people is to have a successful career. Whilst our definitions of ‘successful’ vary, most involve some level of desire for status, power, money, or a combination of these. However, many of us follow these goals, find our ‘success’, and discover we don’t feel particularly happy or fulfilled.
Perhaps we wanted to achieve a certain role at work, leading a team and having a seat at the table with other key decision makers in the company. Yet over time we realise we’re working 80 hour weeks, we struggle to switch off from work in the little personal time we do have, and we recognise it’s impacting our physical health and relationships with loved ones. At some point, the role we coveted just became a job, and a job that prevents us living our life at that. The commitment to achieving our career goal has led to such a singular focus that we’re not actually enjoying our full life. This realisation can lead to a lot of angst as we try to understand what we’re feeling and why, identify what to do about it, and process how our desire for change seems at odds with our ingrained narrative that quitting makes us weak.
Doggedly pursuing a goal that no longer serves us doesn’t make us strong and persistent. It can often lead to stress, emotional exhaustion and burnout, negatively impacting our mind and body. Instead, reevaluating our goals and disengaging from those that we realise are unattainable or that we no longer desire frees up our time and energy to focus on those that we do want and that are possible. Goals can outlive their usefulness and in sticking with them, we actually deprive ourselves of the opportunity to pursue more interesting or meaningful things. It takes courage to admit to ourselves that a goal is not possible or no longer personally important, and considering if there is a different goal we could spend our time on that brings us more satisfaction just means we value our energy and effort enough to invest it more wisely.
Goals change as our lives evolve, and that’s ok. We review, adjust course, and set our sights on new priorities instead. This can be an upsetting and unsettling process, but it can also be empowering, acting as the catalyst we need to bring about real positive change in our lives.
To find out more about how coaching can help you give up goals that no longer serve you and focus your efforts on more meaningful ones, contact stevie@hatchpartnership.com.